RP:]] Teenagers scare the living shit out of me...

I dont know Syn.
I just kinda feel like a failure.
-Shrugs-

-Looks up and down-
-Smiles-
Syn you look beautiful.
He will love you, I swear. Who wouldnt?
I hope you have fun tonight.
Just... be careful, okay?

-grabs pen and note pad-

Why did I do that?

My reasons are so foggy right now.

Probably because I was nearly passed out.

I scared myself into it, but in the end, it has made me scared of myself.

I now know what I am capable of.

What my knife is capable of.

I’m going to hurt so many people.

I would have hurt so many people, had I had the guts.

Mummy, Matt, Syn.

I feel sorry for Matt. He’s done a great job with me, I have never felt so safe as I did last night. In his arms, under his body, his breath on my neck.

I want him to be happy, so very happy, I just don’t know what I can do to make him happy. He is my reason for living. I don’t know what I would have done that night if he hadn’t come to rescue me.

I have something to live for, it’s only Matt, it just seems so…out of reach.

I don’t know why, it’s there but I keep pushing it away, thinking it’s going to hurt me.

But, they wouldn’t.

They have no reason too.

I want some help.

I don’t know what kind of help, but even when I am with Matt, and he is helping me, I still feel I need help. From someone, I don’t know who, someone who can talk me out of this foggy patch.

Someone who knows what is going on in my mind, because I’m sure as hell to scared to go in there.

I want some help.

I need some help.

Please help me.

-puts down pad-

-wipes tears-

-sighs-

Thanks Matty.
*hugs*
And you're not a failure. You're an amazing guy. Zacky's lucky that he's got you protecting him. Just like I was a fool to let that go...
*covers mouth*
Fuck...
I've... got to go. I'll, heh, report back tomorrow. Let you know how it all went. :)
*smiles*
*heads out*

:shock: ....

-Says quietly-
Bye Syn.
See you tomorrow.
-Bites lip-

Fuck

Zacky wrote:: -grabs pen and note pad-

Why did I do that?

My reasons are so foggy right now.

Probably because I was nearly passed out.

I scared myself into it, but in the end, it has made me scared of myself.

I now know what I am capable of.

What my knife is capable of.

I’m going to hurt so many people.

I would have hurt so many people, had I had the guts.

Mummy, Matt, Syn.

I feel sorry for Matt. He’s done a great job with me, I have never felt so safe as I did last night. In his arms, under his body, his breath on my neck.

I want him to be happy, so very happy, I just don’t know what I can do to make him happy. He is my reason for living. I don’t know what I would have done that night if he hadn’t come to rescue me.

I have something to live for, it’s only Matt, it just seems so…out of reach.

I don’t know why, it’s there but I keep pushing it away, thinking it’s going to hurt me.

But, they wouldn’t.

They have no reason too.

I want some help.

I don’t know what kind of help, but even when I am with Matt, and he is helping me, I still feel I need help. From someone, I don’t know who, someone who can talk me out of this foggy patch.

Someone who knows what is going on in my mind, because I’m sure as hell to scared to go in there.

I want some help.

I need some help.

Please help me.

-puts down pad-

-wipes tears-

-sighs-

{{EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEMO!
Okay, that was actually the sweetest, saddest thing ever.
But yeah.
Awwwwnessssss}}

((-is listening to "mad world" by Michael Andrews and Gary Jules- This song reminds me of Zacky...just a tad. It's so sad..))

-Sighs-
-Gets up from couch and walks upstairs to Zacky's room-
-Knocks on closed door-
Zacky? Zacky babe can I come in?
It's Matt.

-nods-
-realises Matt can't see me nodding-
-voice is hoarse from crying-
Yeah.
Please do...

-Walks in-
-Bites lip-
-Looks around room-
Zacky... Zacky what's going on?

-looks up at Matt-
Nothing.
I'm fine.
-smiles to self-
I'm fine.

-Sits next to-
-Wraps arms around-
You are not fine Zacky.
Dont lie to me please.

-sighs-
You won't like it.
Not one bit.
-picks at fingers-
-looks at notepad on the floor in front of me-

-Eyes flicker to note pad-
I wont like it?
Zacky... what is going on?
What's on this notepad?
-Picks up-
-Looks back at you-
Zacky?
-Reads notepad-
:shock: :cry:
-Looks at Zacky-
-Voice breaks-
Zacky... what have you done?

-doesn't look at Matt-
-takes a deep breath and rolls up pants leg-
-shows large wound that still weeping all the way up the calf is now scabbing over-
I'm sorry.

-Heart stops-
((Not literally))

-Stands with mouth open-
-Walks towards and sits next to-
Dont freak out... dont freak out.... dont freak out... dont freak out...
Zacky, why did you do that?
-Looks at-
Zacky that's... bad. That's... big. It's...
-Looks at-
Zacky this isnt small cuts anymore.
This is big wounds...
Zacky why?

I don't know.
I felt angry at myself.
For pushing you away, for being so weak.
I didn't mean to go that deep, it just...happened.
I'm sorry.

Zacky, don't be angry with yourself! Please!
I.... Please don't!
Why are you angry at yourself? Cos James and his crew? Fuck them. Seriously. They're all talk. They're not gonna hurt you.
-Takes hand-
-Wraps fingers around causing hand embrace-
And you have us.
Friends and a boyfriend who loves you.
Please.... dont do this.
-Kisses hair-
I really dont know what I would do without you.
I love you Zacky.
-Tear runs down cheek-

I know you love me Matt.
-smiles at-
I just, I know that now.
I was so screwed up before.
My mind was all foggy and I couldn't think straight.
The only thing I could think of was a knife, that helped things in the old days.
Too bad it didn't this time.
This time it made me scared of myself.
I'm not sure if thats a good thing or not.
But now, I can see slightly clearer than before.

You can see clearer?
So does that mean... you'll never do it again?
Zacky, listen to me.
I love you, okay.
And even though I feel like I am not good enough for you right now.
I will try my best to do what I can to make you happy, okay?
I love you Zacky.
-Kisses-
I want you to be okay.
-Kisses-
I want... I want you to be happy.
-Kisses-
I'm so sorry I left you. I will never leave you again. I will look after you for as long as it needs.
I'm so sorry.
-Bites lip-
I know... I know my comfort isnt good enough.
I know that.
-Looks down-
What do you want?

I just want to not fear what's outside my front door anymore.
And I don't.
I realised this evening, that I am more scared of losing you than I am of anything else.
If I didn't have you, I may not have being in four days ago.
I realised that all I need to make me happy, is knowing you will always be here.
And I don't mean for your comfortable and protection. I mean, just being with me, staying with me, kissing me, making love to me.
You are what makes me happy right now.
It just took me this -points at leg- to realise how stupid I have being.
I love you Mattie, ever so much.
-kisses-

-Holds-
So... am I... the only thing keeping you... okay?
And... I'm sorry. Okay. About everything.
-Kisses-
And I love you.
So much.
-Kisses-
Please remember that next time you do this, okay?
I will always be there for you.
-Kisses-
I will do whatever it takes... whatever you want... for you to be okay...
I love you Zacky.

-hugs-
I love you too Matt.
And, because you mean the world to me.
I will try and go to the prom with you.
-smiles at-

-Takes hand-
Zacky, I dont want you to go if you dont want to, okay?
-Kisses-
Please do whatever you want, I dont want to force you into it.
-Kisses hair-
And I love you too Zacky.
-Kisses-

Matt.
You have done so much for me this week.
It's time I gave something back to you.
I want to go, I will go for you.
-smiles at-

-Kisses-
Okay Zacky.
If it is what you really wanna do.
Thankyou.
-Looks at clock-
So what do you wanna do now? It's kinda late... you sleepy?

» RP:]] Teenagers scare the living shit out of me...